Tuesday, September 22, 2015

When Two Worlds Collide

What would you do
If it all came back to you?
Each crest of each wave
Bright as lightning


Flashes of my past came rushing back to me this weekend.  Memories of the cyclist I used to be.  Of the little girl I used to be.  Of the daughter I used to be.

My father came to visit me in Madison for some riding.  We hadn't spent more than a couple hours with each other for years.  I didn't know how to act, who to be, how to feel.  So much of my current life now is what it is because of the springboard he gave me with cycling as a child.  I have stated before I was born on a bicycle, and I'm not joking when I say that.  My entire life has revolved around two wheels.  The problem is my former cycling self is nothing like my current cycling self.  What my father raised me as, what he knew me as, is a very different person than what I am today.  From the outside, everything may appear to be the same, but at some point in my teens and early twenties, my old self burned to ashes and I emerged, like a phoenix, a completely different beast.  

If put to the test
Would you step back from the line of fire?
Hold everything back
All emotion set aside it

Because of this, my father and I don't know how to "be" around each other.  We know how to talk about cycling, and yet even that is strained since we both see the bicycle as something completely different in our lives--I see it as a full lifestyle, merging with every cell of my body and he still sees it as mostly a form of fitness and a hobby.  

You would think we would have so much to talk about, so much to share, and yet everything seems so distant and contrived when we talk.  We are blood relatives, sharing the same passion, and yet strangers all in one.  

This weekend was a test of sorts for me.  Could we be together for more than a few hours and give each other the respect each person deserves.  Could we see each others differences and honor them?  Could I be the strong woman I know I am and stand my ground--show him who I truly am and not the nine year old I was and am often times still seen as?  Or would I revert back to who I felt I needed to be to placate him and smooth over the situation--essentially, choose not to rock the boat.

Convince yourself
Someone else
Hide from the world
Your lack of confidence
What you choose to believe in
Takes you as you fall
Takes you as you fall

This entire life I live is essentially a school.  With each new day, and each new situation, I will continue to learn from my achievements and mistakes and hopefully feel more and more comfortable in my skin.  Thankfully, whether I move forward, back or sideways--both physically and mentally, my bicycle will always be not only my chosen mode of transportation, but also my friend.

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